January

The month of a brand new beautiful year, also the chuffing longest month ever. I am dying for spring- the flowers blooming and grass growing, that semi warm morning dew smell 😍 but we are still here almost near the end of this dreary grey month.

But what a month it’s been! Besides the usual amount of meltdowns we have all co-existed in the house rather lovely for once. Finally realised as time goes on to handle things a certain way which makes days so much more bearable. Recently my eldest was asked to play for Oxford in Cardiff for her ice hockey academy, which was *huge* for her and a great honour- although with that brought all the panic. Luckily for me, Myself and my husband skated at the same arena (public one) last year before a Blink 182 gig so for once it wasn’t me freaking out about a new place. We got over it amazingly by thinking ahead and taking all her questions (where is the car park/vending machine/loos) and taking her to the arena 2 hours before for a quick tour! The staff were amazing and understanding to let us in during a patch session for a look which settled all her nerves. It was on the actual Cardiff Devil’s ice patch too- a huge arena belonging to the current league leaders- like a kid playing on the top FA cuo pitch 😉 nerves settled so much so that she scored a goal and took home the man of the match trophy 😍 so proud of my little bean who is such a fierce girl! Not afraid to get in there smashing into a bunch of lads and holding her own. (Hockey helmets are bloody great ear defenders! It’s so bloody noisy there without it on)

Bit of spam…

 

Hockey mom 4 lyf ftw.

Besides that, booked 3 holidays this year- one over Christmas too as Christmas at home is boring right? 😂

 

X

 

 

We are all disordered.

 

I opened my laptop for the first time in 4 months and the tab for wordpress was still open, frozen in time back to July with a half written blog never to be posted. I deleted all existence on my other devices to this wordpress and I feel sad I had to delete things.

Only fitting that today I recieved a letter regarding my youngest. The letter I have dreaded for almost exactly a month. The past month I have struggled to find my place, my reason for existing or why I cannot seem to just catch a break in life without an underlying issue trying to rip all the happiness out of me. Its the only time in our journey over the years I have cried my eyes out driving home from an appointment, we went expecting something else and came out with something not expected.

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The letter feels like I have been sucker punched, we already had the news but seeing it there in print has been heart breaking. Its hard reading a very long report as to why your child is broken. You see, my youngest has been under paediatric care for 2 years trying to work out what is “wrong” with her. I have been to countless speech therapy appointments, genetic blood testing appointments, social communication team phone calls and paediatric consultant appointments amongst all the school visits via outside teams and shes only been at actual school for 6 or 7 weeks total. My youngest has always been a bit strange and difficult compared to her elder sister but we thought with youngest we were dealing with some kind of social communicatiom issue. Followed by my eldest who has had a huge issues transitioning to junior school and hour upon hour with the SENCO completing a huge early help record with the view to complete a statement of needs for funding next year. Diagnosis with my eldest was very different, I knew she was different from her peers at a young age but nothing like her sister. Eldest was incredibly well spoken by 2 years and had a ridiculous memory. We originally sought an assessment for ADHD following an ill advised nursery manager telling us thats what was wrong with her and we could “cure” her with omega fucking 3. Thinking back to that time now its actually laughable although at the time we had no idea what was actually underlying. Which made youngest diagnosis more difficult, we are incredibly clued up to our daughters aspergers we didn’t see the signs in our youngest.

Its as if the laptop opening today and seeing wordpress there ready to go was a sign for me to let things out somehow. There is no one to talk to in real life about this, I don’t want to burden and I just don’t think people get it. I tend to keep my issues to myself and keep my wonderful happy mask on for the exterior. I feel I am massively in a minority being a mum on the spectrum with 2 kids on there too.

I feel a bit shit inside.

This is a house of disorder and disorders. (And 4 pairs of broken school shoes in 7 weeks from my eldest. But thats a whole different bag of shit).

 

 

The end

The end of blogging.

The end of hate, evil hateful posts to make others feel sad and look like a bad person, the end of social media, the end of hate. The end of bitterness, bitching, two faced ness and negativity.

The future of kindness, happiness, love, wonderful family and meaningful friendships, the beautiful places we go and the delicious food we eat, the finding love with yourself no matter what your flaws or scars, the never giving a second thought to those things that put you down and always making time for those who make you feel wanted, the being you and doing what makes you burst with happiness, the raising your children how fits you best and not having to prove this on the Internet, the hobbies you pursue and the laughter they bring, the fighting co op against zombies on the PS4 with your husband late into the night, the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning and the excitement of opening a box filled with a new pair of shoes.

To turning 32 with a smile, to September and the start of my new life, to a child getting older, to another who needs more help getting older and to always making time for each other.

Love your life, you only have one chance.

Bye WordPress. Wish I could say it has been fun.

And after this. I will delete the app from my iPad with no idea what my login ever was x

Pain

A badly written poem

Pain, pain, go away
Tramadol makes me queasy
Like I have had ten beers
The pain fades quickly
But can only take it at night
My wrist is still broke
Distal radius fracture
No driving. No painting
No contact sports
Worst timing
Broken wrist in the school holidays is not the one.

Sticks and stones

Will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

Or Ice. Ice will break my bones. Today I broke my wrist ice skating backwards. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself too. After having two children painkiller free I can easily say this felt a million times worse. I managed to laugh off the fall, roundup my eldest who was whizzing around, remove both of our skates whilst smiling externally but dying inside and drive all the way home willing no one to slow down so I wouldn’t have to change gear. Every gear change was absolutely horrendous and spent the drive home mostly screaming.

Husband took me to hospital where he basically laughed and showed me other people’s wrist fractures 😂 which made me feel queasy and came over very faint. The triage and radiographer went “ooohhhh” when they saw my swollen bulbous wrist too which for me wasn’t too fun. I hate not knowing the outcome of something and started hyperventilating that I’d need surgery which I’m totally petrified of.

Turns out I dislocated my wrist out and back in and when it went back, it fractured the scalphoid. So I am in a lot of pain, awaiting a fracture clinic appointment this week and feel completely useless one handed in a splint and sling.

Worst of all now no hockey practice for absolutely ages or no skating which I am a bit in mourning about. Or that I can’t work for a few weeks,luckily money isn’t an issue as I do it to keep myself busy but feel sad letting my clients down.

No real point to this post besides feeling sorry for myself. Enjoy a picture of my massive hand sat on some frozen peas before the hospital 🤚

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Blog block

Apologies for the long delay. Everything has been crazy here since the wedding! What a day that was, full of so much chill, love and friends all in one place. I literally think it was the most relaxed wedding ever and had many of the same comments from happy guests. Everything went wonderfully smooth and the desired effect I.e am married, was successful. What I didn’t factor in was the immediate after wedding blues/sensory and emotional comedown. It hit me hard for two weeks and I was absolutely exhausted from so much socialising. What else I failed to think of was our mini cruise honeymoon two weeks after the wedding. Seriously, if you are in anyway autistic literally don’t cruise. It was horrendous, I probably should had though A little harder to the honeymoon to factor in the being shut on a boat with noisy atrocious drunk middle aged people for two solid days wasn’t the one. The restaurants with the faffy food, food touching each other or just entire menus of food I can’t eat made me realise how picky I actually am. The constant motion and slight movement of which hubby couldn’t feel but I am like an orca whale and can hear a pin drop and feel people breathing haha. Even though the cruise ship was one of the biggest, could definitely still feel it.

Gin obviously helped a lot.

Our second family-moon to Bluestone was ridiculously chill. Week in beautiful Pembroke with such a wonderful nature feel to the entire park. No vulgar clubhouses or drunk people stumbling around, just cider in the forest by campfire was totally bliss.

In other news, not much really. Learning to handle myself more each day and push myself to do things, I have recently pushed myself to become self employed and start my own business. I refuse to be beaten by asd and my crippling anxiety. I have also joined an ice hockey team which really has taken some balls to go to. It’s ninety nine percent big burly men and I really am holding my own luckily. I decided to do this after having so many compliments at the local rink at how good I could skate which is weird to hear. My daughter has been playing ice hockey since Christmas and I usually go with her as I was the only one who could skate. So I thought why not, I’m not too old or unfit, I’m pretty fit to be honest besides the layer of fat covering me and I actually really look forward to going and body slamming men into the boards. It’s great for socialising and meeting so many people from many different backgrounds and ages. Hockey enforcer ftw.

Also other news I went slightly mad and ripped out my entire bathroom following our wedding during the two weeks of doom I was having. It is almost done and looking super awesome and modern.

Friendships are amazing right now. This year I have tried so hard to push myself to make new friends and am so proud I have made so many new good friends in so many new different areas. Good friends, school mum friends, preschool mum friends, hockey friends, networking friends and taekwondo friends. Life is feeling so full and wonderful.

Goals for the rest of the year,

Keep my business going. One step at a time. It’s not for income but to keep my mind busy as my youngest starts school in September.

Keep at ice hockey and get into a rec team.

Be kind to my family and patient.

Finish bathroom, design eldest asd child’s bedroom and make sensory corner. She is struggling with being overwhelmed with clutter and mess so think this will help.

Fear nothing.

Love your life and fill it fully.

2017

I’m not very good at blogging, biannually seems to be the one.

Christmas was totally mental, like draining and hard work. We had Christmas here again with future hubbys parents and it was hard going on me. Next year we have vowed to go on holiday just us four and literally get away from all the crazy Christmas crap. The kids don’t need millions of gifts and in fact hardly play with anything anyway so it’s all a bit of waste. Im sure they would prefer the nature walks, camp fires and e tea activities bluestone has to offer over more plastic junk.

2017 is a year for lovely things, 2016 was a pretty lovely year but I have been rather excited about this year. This year has been motivating, I get to marry my best friend amongst 80 of my most favourite family and friends in the whole world. Clearly like most brides being wary of looking fat I have joined some fitness classes ran by my martial arts instructor, much easier anxiety wise as I already know a lot of the people and I feel mostly comfortable.

Paired together I have 4 hours of extreme fitness a week and have never felt better or healthier, it’s certainly working on my flab as have lost 21 pounds since Christmas which is quite a bit in a short amount of time. No deprivation or silly calorie diets, just good food and no crazy snacking on junk food. I love cooking and cooking from scratch, gives me something to focus on in the week.

Besides the inevitable wedding in 3 months (!) we have the inevitable honeymoons. Plural. We are going on a just us cruise in a butler serviced suite on a beautiful cruise ship for a few days and the other a few weeks after we are going to stay in a wonderful cabin at BLuestone in Wales. I think my social radar will be exploding after that and will long for the rest of the year in some sort of quiet.

for me right now in aspie world anxiety levels are huge, everytime I go out I panic quite a bit and have to rush in and out of shops. My hands yesterday in Sainsbury’s were so shaky and kept dropping things and looked a little bit mental, after in the car my heart was racing and felt my face flush. I can never pinpoint these things, some days are fine and some are really bad. There’s never any continuity and maybe that’s a good thing. I refuse to be defined by a condition however and will try to push things and boundaries I feel comfortable I. Because how else will you ever get by in life.

For now not much else to update, we are in wedding planning he’ll currently so hope to,update at some point after things have calmed down,

 

love x

 

Stop, drop and blog.

I haven’t written anything here in a long time, I’m not sure why I am now. Social media doesn’t seem to fit the mood as I am not an oversharer of things that are personal to me so needed a small outlet.

Things I am eternally grateful for as I am getting older and closer to marriage. (List of massive cliches)

Friendship. Those friends that ‘get’ me are worth their weight in gold. My friendship circle is a full one, with a few friends walking different paths in life but are guaranteed to keep my mind from wandering. For such a long time I have found it so hard to make and keep friends, but now finally have a social life and a full diary to keep me occupied I feel rather blessed.

Family. No specific things, I am just glad I have all three of their heads in my life however crazy our life is.

Face cream. Trust me, a good face cream is keeping me wrinkle free and fresh faced. Use a good cleanse routine and also an eye cream to try to keep age at bay. My biggest fear is getting old and regretting things I should had done many years prior.

Books. Life literally wouldn’t be worth anything if you cannot keep your mind full. I literally can’t keep thinking of the same thing or topic for very long, constant yearning for the excitement of the next interesting piece of information or hobby.

Mindfulness. Every day trying to sit back and listen to the world around you, the smells, sounds, touch of things is quite therapeutic. Today I went to meet a friend for dinner and in my usual pre going out panic, and being the first to arrive I found I was sat on a wall amongst tonnes of lavender. It was a wonderful scent and kept me from worrying by redirecting my thoughts.

Being happy. Just being happy in the moment with who you are, what you have, who’s around you and just enjoying it. Material things and body issues are really quite pointless.

Sunny days

There is something about an early morning school run on a particularly nice day. My senses are over and beyond that of regular people, I can smell the individual types of flowers, hear all the different vehicles passing rather than one collaborative noise and pick out tiny noises of children laughing whilst walking to school although I can’t see them. This calls for a big sensory overload in my own brain everyday, I could smell the freshly cut grass of yesterday so cleanly it was refreshing this morning.
I struggle however hearing voices from people, my family or other people for instance. I can’t hear HTB if he’s in the kitchen and I’m in another room, he laughs that I could hear a pin drop but can’t hear him speaking. Reason being is I’m so preoccupied honing in on everything else that I struggle to make sense of everything or pin my attention to one particular thing.
My head is a busy noisy place and it’s something that has always bothered me. I can spend all night with the remote moving the volume up and down levels until it is just so much to the dismay of HTB.

Not much else to reflect on at the moment, it’s been lovely having the kids back at school. I’ve been able to revert to our routine which is pretty much clockwork, routines for us are crucial and make us all a much happier family. I have enjoyed spending my Tuesday’s with small as its her day off from preschool. We had a wonderful time visiting grandad and going to the train museum, followed by a bit of shopping in the outlet and she behaved impeccably.

I’ve enjoyed reconnecting with people I’ve strayed from over the years and have equally enjoyed pushing myself socially to making some new acquaintances at school and my taekwondo club. Bearing in mind my daughter is almost at the end of year 1 so it has taken me almost two years to speak to anyone. Same for my taekwondo club, again almost 2 years at this one and have started finally making some firm friends and people I really look forward to seeing week after week. I don’t make friends easily however the ones I have right now are worth their weight in gold. Sometimes you need to take a step back and slowly disconnect from those who make you feel sad and unimportant. I don’t manage with negativity well.

So for the rest of the week, lots of wonderful wedding planning, I can finally start to get excited as its almost time to say it’s happening in ‘under a year’! Clearly freaking out about it nonetheless. The next couple days are filled with friends and two nights sans children so very much looking forward to getting dressed up and having some fun.

My soul is a happy one

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