Sticks and stones

Will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

Or Ice. Ice will break my bones. Today I broke my wrist ice skating backwards. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself too. After having two children painkiller free I can easily say this felt a million times worse. I managed to laugh off the fall, roundup my eldest who was whizzing around, remove both of our skates whilst smiling externally but dying inside and drive all the way home willing no one to slow down so I wouldn’t have to change gear. Every gear change was absolutely horrendous and spent the drive home mostly screaming.

Husband took me to hospital where he basically laughed and showed me other people’s wrist fractures 😂 which made me feel queasy and came over very faint. The triage and radiographer went “ooohhhh” when they saw my swollen bulbous wrist too which for me wasn’t too fun. I hate not knowing the outcome of something and started hyperventilating that I’d need surgery which I’m totally petrified of.

Turns out I dislocated my wrist out and back in and when it went back, it fractured the scalphoid. So I am in a lot of pain, awaiting a fracture clinic appointment this week and feel completely useless one handed in a splint and sling.

Worst of all now no hockey practice for absolutely ages or no skating which I am a bit in mourning about. Or that I can’t work for a few weeks,luckily money isn’t an issue as I do it to keep myself busy but feel sad letting my clients down.

No real point to this post besides feeling sorry for myself. Enjoy a picture of my massive hand sat on some frozen peas before the hospital 🤚

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Numb

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take!

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be

RIP Chester. A huge part of my life for so very long and has helped me with his voice through many hard times.

What a sad day.

Drafts

I have so many things in drafts. Wonderfully started blogs with great intentions only to be cast away, sometimes due to being interrupted and sometimes because I don’t see the point. I have a fair bit of free time recently, not sure I will become that avid blogger. A lot of my blogs have been published as private, mostly as a way for me to store my thoughts and some to the public. I like to strive for positivity and am putting some issues to bed, no one wants to read your aired dirty laundry. That is so tacky after all.

So here’s some positivity from the past few wonderful crazy months.

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Here is to the rest of the year being as awesome as it already had been ✌🏻👌🏻👩🏻‍🎤👨🏻‍🎤 Summer holidays with my babes, birthdays galore, smallest starting school, NEW FOUND GLORY, Uni mental health module starting and the beautiful start of Autumn.

Xxxx

The Truth

Long, drawn out, drama fest. I am over this. I was over this last year and I really am truly over this now.

There’s nothing to say. I am sad how things have turned out and even more sadder that things have been wildly exaggerated or edited to put a full hate campaign against me. There are always two sides to a story, I am a fair person with a kind heart. Always give the benefit of the doubt, I forgive and forget.

I will always remember the good times of friendships, I am not one to stay angry in the past slowly raged by things that happened two years ago. I remember good days out with our children, making enormous chocolate cakes, helping to make the most atrocious save the date cards and you rubbing my back whilst I threw up burger and booze all over my garden or being sick into a shoe. You were going to be by my side at my wedding, my right hand gal, I didn’t even hesitate to ask you because I knew you would be awesome at it. I am not on a campaign of hate against you, why would I and how am I? I only ever wanted the best for you and one time I thought you needed a helping hand with your own mental health and your children’s I had to step in and made a report of things I thought was true. I was already blamed a few other times and your constant smear campaign against me was only making my thoughts of your mental instability more concrete. I had nothing to lose.

I am glad you have received help for yourself and your child. At the end of our friendship you were losing yourself and also seems to be losing your mind, the NHS are never good at helping so much as just handing over a bunch of drugs and getting on with it. I know this all too well how badly and uncared for the mental health services can be or treat people, so I am glad you have the help you need and the reassurance that you are a good parent. I would always expect the same back, I would not take a report as a hate campaign but a sign for help required. Sometimes it’s hard to see things further than the end of your nose. I am glad you have a wonderful life, home and children, I am nothing but happy for you and that is absolutely sincere. Why wouldn’t I want anyone to be happy.

I have since had peace and quiet and haven’t put a single thing up about this until now. I asked you to stop still writing about me indirectly online just to be mocked and also again yesterday even after you agreeing yourself bygones will be bygones. I am saddened you are acting like this, I absolutely did not make multiple reports about you, something I have always vehemently denied. Believe me if I did then I would be more than happy to tell you this information, however obviously hearing some very factual information from an ex friend I recently ditched was absolutely going to be the gods honest truth right. Because like you, she’s only going to have the most lovely things to say. *heavy sarcasm*

The blog posts recently published are password protected, the way you have acted is quite silly and conceited as the posts will be opened after I have posted this. One bit of advice for you is trust no one, believe me you can harp on all you want to them but I always end up finding out, so choose them wisely. They really are not your friends at all so be wary. The posts are a bit childish but I needed the laugh, I needed to know that you would in fact react and lash out further as you did showing your true colours and it actually wasn’t me thinking maybe I actually did something wrong. Maybe you could add in the fact I called you a twat back in 2002 probably via MySpace, its about as plausible as you posting edited texts from when we were actually friends albeit in the middle of some spat we did actually repair.

As I have said before, please end this. This is the third time in five days I have asked you to stop smear campaigning my name. To stop the character assassination. To stop the defamation, it’s wildly edited and a very loosely the truth. I am sorry you seem to all of a sudden got annoyed by me not responding to you how you want. Please stay away from me and my family, and you the same- it’s something I have only wanted since the day I deleted you from my life but like the incessant chin acne I occasionally get you are also the same, popping up at random waging some war on basically nothing.

This is the last you will hear from me, the third strike. I’m done.Post all you like about me, I really couldn’t care less. The court injunction is very much welcome, as like I said in the texts you’ve posted nicely edited- I truly want nothing to do with you so please do it. The court will only laugh at how I have actually tried to end this three times now and you are still badgering me., something that may only end up questioning your mental health state. Plus you have all the money to pay for it so I’ll happily go along and nod. I have better things to spend money on but if you want this so badly go ahead.

I am so saddened such a good friendship has ended like this. And I am sorry you think I have treated you so badly. There are always two sides to a story, one person is not always in the right like one is not always in the wrong.

Ciao.

(Spelling is atrocious. Aplogies, my iPad sucks.)

Blog block

Apologies for the long delay. Everything has been crazy here since the wedding! What a day that was, full of so much chill, love and friends all in one place. I literally think it was the most relaxed wedding ever and had many of the same comments from happy guests. Everything went wonderfully smooth and the desired effect I.e am married, was successful. What I didn’t factor in was the immediate after wedding blues/sensory and emotional comedown. It hit me hard for two weeks and I was absolutely exhausted from so much socialising. What else I failed to think of was our mini cruise honeymoon two weeks after the wedding. Seriously, if you are in anyway autistic literally don’t cruise. It was horrendous, I probably should had though A little harder to the honeymoon to factor in the being shut on a boat with noisy atrocious drunk middle aged people for two solid days wasn’t the one. The restaurants with the faffy food, food touching each other or just entire menus of food I can’t eat made me realise how picky I actually am. The constant motion and slight movement of which hubby couldn’t feel but I am like an orca whale and can hear a pin drop and feel people breathing haha. Even though the cruise ship was one of the biggest, could definitely still feel it.

Gin obviously helped a lot.

Our second family-moon to Bluestone was ridiculously chill. Week in beautiful Pembroke with such a wonderful nature feel to the entire park. No vulgar clubhouses or drunk people stumbling around, just cider in the forest by campfire was totally bliss.

In other news, not much really. Learning to handle myself more each day and push myself to do things, I have recently pushed myself to become self employed and start my own business. I refuse to be beaten by asd and my crippling anxiety. I have also joined an ice hockey team which really has taken some balls to go to. It’s ninety nine percent big burly men and I really am holding my own luckily. I decided to do this after having so many compliments at the local rink at how good I could skate which is weird to hear. My daughter has been playing ice hockey since Christmas and I usually go with her as I was the only one who could skate. So I thought why not, I’m not too old or unfit, I’m pretty fit to be honest besides the layer of fat covering me and I actually really look forward to going and body slamming men into the boards. It’s great for socialising and meeting so many people from many different backgrounds and ages. Hockey enforcer ftw.

Also other news I went slightly mad and ripped out my entire bathroom following our wedding during the two weeks of doom I was having. It is almost done and looking super awesome and modern.

Friendships are amazing right now. This year I have tried so hard to push myself to make new friends and am so proud I have made so many new good friends in so many new different areas. Good friends, school mum friends, preschool mum friends, hockey friends, networking friends and taekwondo friends. Life is feeling so full and wonderful.

Goals for the rest of the year,

Keep my business going. One step at a time. It’s not for income but to keep my mind busy as my youngest starts school in September.

Keep at ice hockey and get into a rec team.

Be kind to my family and patient.

Finish bathroom, design eldest asd child’s bedroom and make sensory corner. She is struggling with being overwhelmed with clutter and mess so think this will help.

Fear nothing.

Love your life and fill it fully.

2017

I’m not very good at blogging, biannually seems to be the one.

Christmas was totally mental, like draining and hard work. We had Christmas here again with future hubbys parents and it was hard going on me. Next year we have vowed to go on holiday just us four and literally get away from all the crazy Christmas crap. The kids don’t need millions of gifts and in fact hardly play with anything anyway so it’s all a bit of waste. Im sure they would prefer the nature walks, camp fires and e tea activities bluestone has to offer over more plastic junk.

2017 is a year for lovely things, 2016 was a pretty lovely year but I have been rather excited about this year. This year has been motivating, I get to marry my best friend amongst 80 of my most favourite family and friends in the whole world. Clearly like most brides being wary of looking fat I have joined some fitness classes ran by my martial arts instructor, much easier anxiety wise as I already know a lot of the people and I feel mostly comfortable.

Paired together I have 4 hours of extreme fitness a week and have never felt better or healthier, it’s certainly working on my flab as have lost 21 pounds since Christmas which is quite a bit in a short amount of time. No deprivation or silly calorie diets, just good food and no crazy snacking on junk food. I love cooking and cooking from scratch, gives me something to focus on in the week.

Besides the inevitable wedding in 3 months (!) we have the inevitable honeymoons. Plural. We are going on a just us cruise in a butler serviced suite on a beautiful cruise ship for a few days and the other a few weeks after we are going to stay in a wonderful cabin at BLuestone in Wales. I think my social radar will be exploding after that and will long for the rest of the year in some sort of quiet.

for me right now in aspie world anxiety levels are huge, everytime I go out I panic quite a bit and have to rush in and out of shops. My hands yesterday in Sainsbury’s were so shaky and kept dropping things and looked a little bit mental, after in the car my heart was racing and felt my face flush. I can never pinpoint these things, some days are fine and some are really bad. There’s never any continuity and maybe that’s a good thing. I refuse to be defined by a condition however and will try to push things and boundaries I feel comfortable I. Because how else will you ever get by in life.

For now not much else to update, we are in wedding planning he’ll currently so hope to,update at some point after things have calmed down,

 

love x