Nerd

Not much to say besides got this awesome banger on my thigh today taking away my leg tattoo virginity… what an ouchie spot!

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Geek lyf and my 3 stone reward to myself as legs are not so big now ๐Ÿ˜‚ (4 now but 3 when booked ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป).

Eating and training like a boss. Going find a week off to heal hard! Added to that a dislocated and broken finger from skating so double recuperation. Ehlers danlos is a twat! 3rd break in 18 months ย ๐Ÿ˜ญ

#aspielife

 

 

Supermarket Flowers

I loathe Ed Sheeren. Every chuffing song and how “he’s such a nice lad” comment makes me cringe. Literally is one of those people I cannot stand and I have No idea why ๐Ÿ˜‚ until the ginger wanker has brought out a song which made me cry when I heard the lyrics.

Dad always told me, “don’t you cry when you’re down”
But mum, there’s a tear every time that I blink
Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know
A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved
So I’ll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you’d be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we’ll say Hallelujah
You’re home”
On a personal note and stuff, in a few weeks time would mark the 10 year anniversary of my dear mum’s passing. She was still so young at only 46 and had been suffering with a terminal condition for years, though she never let on to anyone even her own husband that it was terminal. I never thought to google her condition to find out the truth as she shrugged it off and soldiered on. She was such a unselfish wonderful lady who never wanted anyone to worry about her and just carried on living her life until the end how she had been, no bucket lists, no crazy tattoos, no farewells…
no farewells…
no farewells.
ย Sometimes I wish she hadn’t been so selfless, I wanted the goodbyes and the hugs. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to not emigrate and miss the last 2 years of her life but I am so grateful I got to speak to her almost daily despite the crazy overseas phone bills. I am grateful for the way the world worked for me at the time and I ended up back in England though at the time I felt like an absolute failure and my family probably thought so too. Unbeknown to me at that time would be the last 2 months of having her in my life and the last time I spoke to her we were not on great terms and she was off on holiday to the coast with my dad. The next time I saw her was in a mis-spelt coffin at a funeral home. I was petrified that day, I stood outside the room for a long time with lead feet petrified to see my mum. I didn’t want to remember her that way and it is the truly the only thing that haunts me to this day. I had to stay strong for my sister who at the time was only 16 and my dad who is a great man though I don’t think I can ever forgive a sentence said by him just 2 days after she had gone “she’s gone and there’s nothing you can do about it so stop crying”. Of course this was said in his own way of frustration at dealing with her death but also the reason I truly have never properly grieved at all, stiff upper lip and all.
ย The past few weeks I have been on a journey of “discovery” or whatever that means.. thirties crisis maybe? I can’t shake the thought that in 13 years time I could be dead and I would leave a 21 year old and an 18 year old daughters. I of course could also die tomorrow or in 60+ years time, death is inevitable as we know but I have been trying to live life a little differently with a different outlook on life. Enjoying things for the most part, pushing to do activities and things that inspire me, unfollowing negative social media and shunning away from things that make me feel sad or negative.
ย Today I have had a good cry, looking at photos and thinking of all the things she has missed out on and feel for the first time in a long time relieved. I have never posted anything about this before anywhere and rarely talk about her but hey ho good old boy ginger fuckwit sheeren has brought it out of the old wench. Probably coupled with all the mother’s day hype for this weekend X

New things.

I have an 8 year old. This means for 8 years I have managed to keep a small person alive for that long. The days when you feel like a failure or struggling to find a way to deal with yet another ย meltdown, its easy to forget how far we really have come as parents and actually after all that we aren’t doing such a bad job at all. Add to that a small feisty 4.5 year old who lately has become increasingly anxious about school, luckily this time round we have the knowledge, resources and the knowing who to speak to without getting the brush off to deal with this. It’ been brewing for a while and peaking this week, which is heart breaking to see and equally horrendous with each predictable meltdown each morning .

In other news big was asked to play for her hockey team in Rouen, France next year. We had to apply and found out today she has a spot for sure on the squad! Beaming with pride for her considering interest was over subscribed for the event and only 12 were picked ๐Ÿ˜ this is all great if you have a child without ASD. ย We now have a long drawn out year with meticulous planning, this will be our first ever trip abroad (across the pond anyway) as a family. Luckily the Hockey academy are organising a coach for us, the (6 hourrrr!!) Ferry across and accommodation. So realistically they have taken most of the anxiety away, no planes to contend with and I don’t need to freak out about too much besides packing, passports and getting to the rink on time ๐Ÿ˜‚ So looking forward to spending a weekend away with our wonderful extended hockey family! Will report more on that and how everything will had probably gone wrong after ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚โ˜ƒ๏ธ

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Stay positive and love your life no matter how bizarre or crazy at times. X

 

 

 

 

 

Bygones

In the spirit for letting go of negativities and hate, letting bygones be bygones and living a life full of love.

Lately have had some sort of life epiphany. To all past friendships that have ended on a negative it is done. I know certain people still look at this whether it is stalking or curiosity I am not sure. I just want those people to know that I no longer think of you negatively and instead I look back and think of all the wonderful times and at other times mourn a friendship that could had lasted a lifetime. Everyone has their flaws, personality clashes happen in every relationship and not everyone can fit your ideal. I would like to apologise for all the times I made you feel sad and offering an olive branch for the future.

Not sure where this is going, feeling very Zen after yoga class and it is a way to try and cleanse my soul of negativity.

January

The month of a brand new beautiful year, also the chuffing longest month ever. I am dying for spring- the flowers blooming and grass growing, that semi warm morning dew smell ๐Ÿ˜ but we are still here almost near the end of this dreary grey month.

But what a month it’s been! Besides the usual amount of meltdowns we have all co-existed in the house rather lovely for once. Finally realised as time goes on to handle things a certain way which makes days so much more bearable. Recently my eldest was asked to play for Oxford in Cardiff for her ice hockey academy, which was *huge* for her and a great honour- although with that brought all the panic. Luckily for me, Myself and my husband skated at the same arena (public one) last year before a Blink 182 gig so for once it wasn’t me freaking out about a new place. We got over it amazingly by thinking ahead and taking all her questions (where is the car park/vending machine/loos) and taking her to the arena 2 hours before for a quick tour! The staff were amazing and understanding to let us in during a patch session for a look which settled all her nerves. It was on the actual Cardiff Devil’s ice patch too- a huge arena belonging to the current league leaders- like a kid playing on the top FA cuo pitch ๐Ÿ˜‰ nerves settled so much so that she scored a goal and took home the man of the match trophy ๐Ÿ˜ so proud of my little bean who is such a fierce girl! Not afraid to get in there smashing into a bunch of lads and holding her own. (Hockey helmets are bloody great ear defenders! It’s so bloody noisy there without it on)

Bit of spam…

 

Hockey mom 4 lyf ftw.

Besides that, booked 3 holidays this year- one over Christmas too as Christmas at home is boring right? ๐Ÿ˜‚

 

X

 

 

We are all disordered.

 

I opened my laptop for the first time in 4 months and the tab for wordpress was still open, frozen in time back to July with a half written blog never to be posted. I deleted all existence on my other devices to this wordpress and I feel sad I had to delete things.

Only fitting that today I recieved a letter regarding my youngest. The letter I have dreaded for almost exactly a month. The past month I have struggled to find my place, my reason for existing or why I cannot seem to just catch a break in life without an underlying issue trying to rip all the happiness out of me. Its the only time in our journey over the years I have cried my eyes out driving home from an appointment, we went expecting something else and came out with something not expected.

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The letter feels like I have been sucker punched, we already had the news but seeing it there in print has been heart breaking. Its hard reading a very long report as to why your child is broken. You see, my youngest has been under paediatric care for 2 years trying to work out what is “wrong” with her. I have been to countless speech therapy appointments, genetic blood testing appointments, social communication team phone calls and paediatric consultant appointments amongst all the school visits via outside teams and shes only been at actual school for 6 or 7 weeks total. My youngest has always been a bit strange and difficult compared to her elder sister but we thought with youngest we were dealing with some kind of social communicatiom issue. Followed by my eldest who has had a huge issues transitioning to junior school and hour upon hour with the SENCO completing a huge early help record with the view to complete a statement of needs for funding next year. Diagnosis with my eldest was very different, I knew she was different from her peers at a young age but nothing like her sister. Eldest was incredibly well spoken by 2 years and had a ridiculous memory. We originally sought an assessment for ADHD following an ill advised nursery manager telling us thats what was wrong with her and we could “cure” her with omega fucking 3. Thinking back to that time now its actually laughable although at the time we had no idea what was actually underlying. Which made youngest diagnosis more difficult, we are incredibly clued up to our daughters aspergers we didn’t see the signs in our youngest.

Its as if the laptop opening today and seeing wordpress there ready to go was a sign for me to let things out somehow. There is no one to talk to in real life about this, I don’t want to burden and I just don’t think people get it. I tend to keep my issues to myself and keep my wonderful happy mask on for the exterior. I feel I am massively in a minority being a mum on the spectrum with 2 kids on there too.

I feel a bit shit inside.

This is a house of disorder and disorders. (And 4 pairs of broken school shoes in 7 weeks from my eldest. But thats a whole different bag of shit).

 

 

The end

The end of blogging.

The end of hate, evil hateful posts to make others feel sad and look like a bad person, the end of social media, the end of hate. The end of bitterness, bitching, two faced ness and negativity.

The future of kindness, happiness, love, wonderful family and meaningful friendships, the beautiful places we go and the delicious food we eat, the finding love with yourself no matter what your flaws or scars, the never giving a second thought to those things that put you down and always making time for those who make you feel wanted, the being you and doing what makes you burst with happiness, the raising your children how fits you best and not having to prove this on the Internet, the hobbies you pursue and the laughter they bring, the fighting co op against zombies on the PS4 with your husband late into the night, the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning and the excitement of opening a box filled with a new pair of shoes.

To turning 32 with a smile, to September and the start of my new life, to a child getting older, to another who needs more help getting older and to always making time for each other.

Love your life, you only have one chance.

Bye WordPress. Wish I could say it has been fun.

And after this. I will delete the app from my iPad with no idea what my login ever was x

Pain

A badly written poem

Pain, pain, go away
Tramadol makes me queasy
Like I have had ten beers
The pain fades quickly
But can only take it at night
My wrist is still broke
Distal radius fracture
No driving. No painting
No contact sports
Worst timing
Broken wrist in the school holidays is not the one.

Sticks and stones

Will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

Or Ice. Ice will break my bones. Today I broke my wrist ice skating backwards. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself too. After having two children painkiller free I can easily say this felt a million times worse. I managed to laugh off the fall, roundup my eldest who was whizzing around, remove both of our skates whilst smiling externally but dying inside and drive all the way home willing no one to slow down so I wouldn’t have to change gear. Every gear change was absolutely horrendous and spent the drive home mostly screaming.

Husband took me to hospital where he basically laughed and showed me other people’s wrist fractures ๐Ÿ˜‚ which made me feel queasy and came over very faint. The triage and radiographer went “ooohhhh” when they saw my swollen bulbous wrist too which for me wasn’t too fun. I hate not knowing the outcome of something and started hyperventilating that I’d need surgery which I’m totally petrified of.

Turns out I dislocated my wrist out and back in and when it went back, it fractured the scalphoid. So I am in a lot of pain, awaiting a fracture clinic appointment this week and feel completely useless one handed in a splint and sling.

Worst of all now no hockey practice for absolutely ages or no skating which I am a bit in mourning about. Or that I can’t work for a few weeks,luckily money isn’t an issue as I do it to keep myself busy but feel sad letting my clients down.

No real point to this post besides feeling sorry for myself. Enjoy a picture of my massive hand sat on some frozen peas before the hospital ๐Ÿคš

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