2017

I’m not very good at blogging, biannually seems to be the one.

Christmas was totally mental, like draining and hard work. We had Christmas here again with future hubbys parents and it was hard going on me. Next year we have vowed to go on holiday just us four and literally get away from all the crazy Christmas crap. The kids don’t need millions of gifts and in fact hardly play with anything anyway so it’s all a bit of waste. Im sure they would prefer the nature walks, camp fires and e tea activities bluestone has to offer over more plastic junk.

2017 is a year for lovely things, 2016 was a pretty lovely year but I have been rather excited about this year. This year has been motivating, I get to marry my best friend amongst 80 of my most favourite family and friends in the whole world. Clearly like most brides being wary of looking fat I have joined some fitness classes ran by my martial arts instructor, much easier anxiety wise as I already know a lot of the people and I feel mostly comfortable.

Paired together I have 4 hours of extreme fitness a week and have never felt better or healthier, it’s certainly working on my flab as have lost 21 pounds since Christmas which is quite a bit in a short amount of time. No deprivation or silly calorie diets, just good food and no crazy snacking on junk food. I love cooking and cooking from scratch, gives me something to focus on in the week.

Besides the inevitable wedding in 3 months (!) we have the inevitable honeymoons. Plural. We are going on a just us cruise in a butler serviced suite on a beautiful cruise ship for a few days and the other a few weeks after we are going to stay in a wonderful cabin at BLuestone in Wales. I think my social radar will be exploding after that and will long for the rest of the year in some sort of quiet.

for me right now in aspie world anxiety levels are huge, everytime I go out I panic quite a bit and have to rush in and out of shops. My hands yesterday in Sainsbury’s were so shaky and kept dropping things and looked a little bit mental, after in the car my heart was racing and felt my face flush. I can never pinpoint these things, some days are fine and some are really bad. There’s never any continuity and maybe that’s a good thing. I refuse to be defined by a condition however and will try to push things and boundaries I feel comfortable I. Because how else will you ever get by in life.

For now not much else to update, we are in wedding planning he’ll currently so hope to,update at some point after things have calmed down,

 

love x

 

Stop, drop and blog.

I haven’t written anything here in a long time, I’m not sure why I am now. Social media doesn’t seem to fit the mood as I am not an oversharer of things that are personal to me so needed a small outlet.

Things I am eternally grateful for as I am getting older and closer to marriage. (List of massive cliches)

Friendship. Those friends that ‘get’ me are worth their weight in gold. My friendship circle is a full one, with a few friends walking different paths in life but are guaranteed to keep my mind from wandering. For such a long time I have found it so hard to make and keep friends, but now finally have a social life and a full diary to keep me occupied I feel rather blessed.

Family. No specific things, I am just glad I have all three of their heads in my life however crazy our life is.

Face cream. Trust me, a good face cream is keeping me wrinkle free and fresh faced. Use a good cleanse routine and also an eye cream to try to keep age at bay. My biggest fear is getting old and regretting things I should had done many years prior.

Books. Life literally wouldn’t be worth anything if you cannot keep your mind full. I literally can’t keep thinking of the same thing or topic for very long, constant yearning for the excitement of the next interesting piece of information or hobby.

Mindfulness. Every day trying to sit back and listen to the world around you, the smells, sounds, touch of things is quite therapeutic. Today I went to meet a friend for dinner and in my usual pre going out panic, and being the first to arrive I found I was sat on a wall amongst tonnes of lavender. It was a wonderful scent and kept me from worrying by redirecting my thoughts.

Being happy. Just being happy in the moment with who you are, what you have, who’s around you and just enjoying it. Material things and body issues are really quite pointless.

Sunny days

There is something about an early morning school run on a particularly nice day. My senses are over and beyond that of regular people, I can smell the individual types of flowers, hear all the different vehicles passing rather than one collaborative noise and pick out tiny noises of children laughing whilst walking to school although I can’t see them. This calls for a big sensory overload in my own brain everyday, I could smell the freshly cut grass of yesterday so cleanly it was refreshing this morning.
I struggle however hearing voices from people, my family or other people for instance. I can’t hear HTB if he’s in the kitchen and I’m in another room, he laughs that I could hear a pin drop but can’t hear him speaking. Reason being is I’m so preoccupied honing in on everything else that I struggle to make sense of everything or pin my attention to one particular thing.
My head is a busy noisy place and it’s something that has always bothered me. I can spend all night with the remote moving the volume up and down levels until it is just so much to the dismay of HTB.

Not much else to reflect on at the moment, it’s been lovely having the kids back at school. I’ve been able to revert to our routine which is pretty much clockwork, routines for us are crucial and make us all a much happier family. I have enjoyed spending my Tuesday’s with small as its her day off from preschool. We had a wonderful time visiting grandad and going to the train museum, followed by a bit of shopping in the outlet and she behaved impeccably.

I’ve enjoyed reconnecting with people I’ve strayed from over the years and have equally enjoyed pushing myself socially to making some new acquaintances at school and my taekwondo club. Bearing in mind my daughter is almost at the end of year 1 so it has taken me almost two years to speak to anyone. Same for my taekwondo club, again almost 2 years at this one and have started finally making some firm friends and people I really look forward to seeing week after week. I don’t make friends easily however the ones I have right now are worth their weight in gold. Sometimes you need to take a step back and slowly disconnect from those who make you feel sad and unimportant. I don’t manage with negativity well.

So for the rest of the week, lots of wonderful wedding planning, I can finally start to get excited as its almost time to say it’s happening in ‘under a year’! Clearly freaking out about it nonetheless. The next couple days are filled with friends and two nights sans children so very much looking forward to getting dressed up and having some fun.

My soul is a happy one

X

Realisation

Through various blogs and various notebooks there are words written by me. Thoughts casually flowing from pen to paper via my mind, making sense, sometimes not but feels a lot easier than doing it first on here. Even before any uni assignments I write on vast amounts of paper, random thoughts and scribbles before finally piecing them together bit by bit to create a wonderful piece.

So here I am, without my training wheels of a journal or notebook but with the laptop open (who even owns one anymore?!), feeling a bit like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City and Jenna Hamilton from Awkward. Although without the fun sexy times or high school problems.

I am a mere mother of 2 children, one female with Asperger’s syndrome and another female undiagnosed but a possibility. In this family of nuttyness is me, Mother hen also with Asperger’s but also ADHD, and Daddy bear neurotypical. Our house is a mixed bag of crazy, fun, laughs, tears and gin but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I believe fiercely that actually you can keep a clean and tidy house with children. If you visited us after bedtime you would be hard pushed to find any incriminating child paraphernalia evidence that we even have kids.   So yes, house, four people, two on the spectrum with the third awaiting an assessment. The third had speech therapy this week and I cockily thought she was doing great, shes been speaking so much more, shes not. After an hour or so of playtime with the speech therapist said that small is struggling with speech still, to a point her being a speech therapist barely understood her. She also gave me the advice that she would be referring small for an ASD assessment, this was done last September by the Health Visitor unbeknownst to her so to have two people suggest there was a social communication problem with small was hard going. With eldest I had to push for help and took a while for anyone to take us seriously but small is very much more obvious.

Things about me; I enjoy buying all the cleaning products and all the stationary. I live my life using an array of 5 planners for various elements of my life, and I truly feel my best with a glass of wine in one hand and the pen for a planner in the other. I don’t enjoy television much, I can’t get in to movies or remember movies I have seen, my mind never stops and I just can’t focus for that amount of time. I enjoy things to an obsessive level, I have to have it all, all the Lush products, all the make up, all the cleaning products, all the shoes, all the crochet equipment, all the things, all the time. Not having something or having that missing link gets me stressed, angry and anxious. Its ridiculous. Meticulously organised in boxes or compartment files, proudly and lovingly looked at, lists written about them and things to get next. These goddamn lists run my life. I am aloof in social situations but I’ll organise the shit out of an event. I’m getting married next year and I am a complete control freak, every element and tiny detail has been planned, every possible outcome has been planned for, every guest has been thought of and planned for, just absolutely everything. Mostly because I am hyper aware of looking a twat or being thought of badly because I forgot a tiny decal from a place card, its my safety net. I have had many offers of help but honestly all I want to do is hand tie 50 bows on to little bottles myself, I know you can do it too but I need it done “just right”. No offence to anyone at all!

Other stuff about me; I quite like a rant, I’m misunderstood frequently, I’m fierce on social justice issues, I’m blunt and not at all empathetic but I do care. People take my lack of sympathy as me being a bitch but I truly am not. I think of people often, more than people think. I get upset easily but resting bitch face ensures my whiny emo inside is masked at all times in public. I get upset when people change, mostly because I don’t understand it. How can people change so much? do people really keep up a front to fit in? Why bitch about someone all the time and then spend the rest of the time with your tongue rammed up their arse? I have lost a friend recently who was very dear to me although I am not sure why, she changed and I didn’t. I realise normal people don’t want to hear how things are, I can’t sugar coat stuff nor will I ever as I won’t ever be that phony person. If I bail on something I will tell you why I’m bailing, there is no “oh I feel poorly” or “oh no I had other plans”, if I have cancelled a plan or a play date for a good reason I am going to tell you. This happened recently and I may as well had faked it, but legitimately there was a problem and how else would you solve it without saying what it was. But alas, once again I am in the wrong, the bad one in this. I’m not good at friendship because unfortunately I have heightened senses, of the bullshit kind.

I’m not big on the whole “autistic clique” online or in our town. I find the mums obsessive and weird, how can someone talk so much about a medical thing fascinates me. Don’t you guys have anything else more fun going on in your lives?! This is coming from an “aspermom” and clearly I think different to pretty much everyone, but seriously now? I have a bit of chronic skin condition but I’m not shouting that out there, joining a support group or whatever. Baffling, I literally am the only person I have come across who thinks this way by the way, I’m sorry if you don’t agree or this offends you, it isn’t supposed to. I also don’t feel I need to talk about it all the time to people as the main weight of a conversation. I like a bit of autism related banter but when you only have autism to talk about there is clearly something wrong with you. Go have some fun, yes its hard living with kids with the Big A but it probably is for many people with many things but they haven’t stopped living. I literally am giving Autism the kick up the butt and trying my hardest to make it fit our life without excuses. I’m not fond of the “oh she can’t do that because of her autism” “oh shes violent because shes anxious” etc, she may not or she may struggle but she can at least try. I also know when my eldest is being a little shit or its autism, kids with autism are actually kids too her actually still do NT stuff that every other kid does, quit making excuses for your shitty parenting. Pushing your anxieties on to a child before they have even been given the chance is giving them a pretty shitty attempt at life.

So here’s to proving autism wrong, I’m giving you the big fuck you. Its hard living with it myself, I have twice as much of living with it compared to your neurotypical mums but luckily being an aspermum I find it easy to cut the bullshit and see everything as black and white. Life isn’t over, life is exactly the same as before for us but with a little more knowledge to help us all not stick out like a sore thumb. I’m not after a pity party, sympathetic comments from others, empathetic smiles. I worry of saying the wrong thing all the time. Children with autistic parents are THE worst too for this, they are all very woe and understanding to their kids but if I say something that comes out wrong or is on my mind then I am damned to hell. DAMMMNNEEEDDD.

So welcome to my blog, its pretty shitty but so is my mind. This is a place for honest parenting on the spectrum and with the spectrum, no sugar coating or worrying about being offensive. I read stuff that is annoying or shitty every day but I take a step back and carry on browsing.

I’m over that shit.

H

x