I opened my laptop for the first time in 4 months and the tab for wordpress was still open, frozen in time back to July with a half written blog never to be posted. I deleted all existence on my other devices to this wordpress and I feel sad I had to delete things.
Only fitting that today I recieved a letter regarding my youngest. The letter I have dreaded for almost exactly a month. The past month I have struggled to find my place, my reason for existing or why I cannot seem to just catch a break in life without an underlying issue trying to rip all the happiness out of me. Its the only time in our journey over the years I have cried my eyes out driving home from an appointment, we went expecting something else and came out with something not expected.
The letter feels like I have been sucker punched, we already had the news but seeing it there in print has been heart breaking. Its hard reading a very long report as to why your child is broken. You see, my youngest has been under paediatric care for 2 years trying to work out what is “wrong” with her. I have been to countless speech therapy appointments, genetic blood testing appointments, social communication team phone calls and paediatric consultant appointments amongst all the school visits via outside teams and shes only been at actual school for 6 or 7 weeks total. My youngest has always been a bit strange and difficult compared to her elder sister but we thought with youngest we were dealing with some kind of social communicatiom issue. Followed by my eldest who has had a huge issues transitioning to junior school and hour upon hour with the SENCO completing a huge early help record with the view to complete a statement of needs for funding next year. Diagnosis with my eldest was very different, I knew she was different from her peers at a young age but nothing like her sister. Eldest was incredibly well spoken by 2 years and had a ridiculous memory. We originally sought an assessment for ADHD following an ill advised nursery manager telling us thats what was wrong with her and we could “cure” her with omega fucking 3. Thinking back to that time now its actually laughable although at the time we had no idea what was actually underlying. Which made youngest diagnosis more difficult, we are incredibly clued up to our daughters aspergers we didn’t see the signs in our youngest.
Its as if the laptop opening today and seeing wordpress there ready to go was a sign for me to let things out somehow. There is no one to talk to in real life about this, I don’t want to burden and I just don’t think people get it. I tend to keep my issues to myself and keep my wonderful happy mask on for the exterior. I feel I am massively in a minority being a mum on the spectrum with 2 kids on there too.
I feel a bit shit inside.
This is a house of disorder and disorders. (And 4 pairs of broken school shoes in 7 weeks from my eldest. But thats a whole different bag of shit).